Changing My look

I write this post with much caution. I didn't even want to post it, but since this blog is about my life and my family's life I wanted to share what has effected me/us deeply this week. I am also hoping this will be therapeutic. I do not pride myself on the way I have handled the following situation:

Earlier this week I made a HUGE change to my hair. More drastic than I have ever done. It has been very painful. Actually, it has affected me in ways I never thought a haircut could. I have felt less self-confident, anxious and a little depressed. I have come to realize that I am not as sad about the actual hair cut as I am about how I have reacted over something so meaningless in the big scheme of things. I wish it didn't, I wish I could just enjoy it instead of wishing it away. I often have to tell myself to snap out of it and remember that it is just hair, it grows, and it won't be like this forever. But this week has felt like FOREVER. I have done my research about how to make hair grow faster. I have had a hard time sleeping because of regret. I wake up in the middle of the night all of a sudden, feeling a little relieved, thinking it was just a nightmare. But then I move, I touch my hair and realized it wasn't a dream at all, this is reality. During the day, I will be busy enough to forget (a nice break), but as I walk past a mirror or a car or store window, I am reminded of my choice. When I go out, I don't look at faces or clothes anymore, I look at hair. I stare in envy. I also noticed that I now have shorter hair than 90% of the male, teenage population! When I see someone with a similar cut, I realize they don't looks so bad, so why do I?

My biggest concern and anxiety has came from wondering what my biggest critics would say about it- Ashlyn was one of them. You can tell when a child is lying- they take a minute to think about it. She didn't, she was nice to me, she told me she loved it right away and went on to draw me a picture to make me feel better. Dylan was honest too, he doesn't really like it, but I also know he doesn't care.

The truth is, I asked for this cut, I didn't just get a bad hair cut on accident. I told her to do it. She did a great job actually. I was feeling very excited about a change. Feeling daring and confident that I could pull off any hair cut my whim would blow me. For a long time I have wondered and desired a hair cut like this. I just had never tried it, never had the guts. This time my guts made an appearance. Guts I wished had stayed hidden. I miss feeling my hair move, I miss making it curl, I miss feeling more like a woman. I miss looking in the mirror and loving my hair.

The good part- I don't have to wonder anymore. I can say "did that, been there." I will save the short hair for my senior years. I also have better bed head.

I just needed to get that out. I know all of you are going to gush to me about how much you love it, whether you are being honest or not, I will never know. The people who don't like it have been kind enough not to mention it at all. Those who maybe do like it or who are just nice, have said a lot of nice things. Things I really appreciate them saying. However, the nice things will have to keep coming for a few more months while this mop grows.

I also have learned a few things about myself, or about how other's view me...

• My friend was surprised when I told her my reaction to my hair. She told me she was relieved to know that I had an insecurity. It was nice for me to find out that people might view me as a confident person. On the inside I am more insecure than I would like to divulge.
• I was grateful for the one word I heard twice- VOGUE
• A running colleague said one of his favorite cuts his wife has had is a pixie similar to mine.
• Finding out a few friends have had it worse and live to tell their tale
• A teenage boy said it made me look younger- that can only be good

The unveiling...

I know, not too terrible from the front, it is the back that gives me the heart attack. It is VERY short.

In case you are wondering how you can make me feel better, go straight to your salon and get a cut just like it. We can grow it out together! I already asked Ashlyn to do me that favor- she turned me down.

The dreaded seminary starts tomorrow, I better get to bed.